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About Deviant Artist Bliddy Hell I'm Screwed...Female/United Kingdom Recent Activity
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Bliddy Hell I'm Screwed...
United Kingdom
Current Residence: Scotland
Favourite genre of music: Lots
Operating System: 8 by force and for gaming, Linux Mint for all else
MP3 player of choice: Has escaped Apple and retreated to Sony
Wallpaper of choice: Cat pic with funny caption
Favourite cartoon character: Mieville the cat from QC
Personal Quote: "It is better to be pessimistic and pleasantly surprised, than optimistic and always let down."

Mature Content

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It creeps up. You can be having the best day in your life, and then it's there.

It can be the middle of the day, or the dead of night, or somewhere in between all that.

And suddenly you're wondering why you bother, wondering whether anyone cares, wondering whether anyone will miss you.

It's not a new feeling, not really, you spend your time with people, wondering whether they're just putting up with you, or whether they really like you.

It doesn't matter what you know logically, because logic doesn't help when you feel like this.

But something will trigger it, and you'll find yourself curled up, trying to avoid everyone, crying your eyes out and feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough.

You want it to end, you just want to stop hurting, to stop worrying, to stop wondering.

You wish you'd been brave enough to go and see your (great-)Aunt, your Gran, one last time, to tell them you loved them. Even though one didn't want you to see her, and the other didn't know who you were. You hate yourself, that you couldn't, that after everything they did for you, you couldn't pay them that last respect.

You hate even more that it was three years later that you finally visited your Aunt's grave, it wasn't your fault that you weren't in the country when she died, but you still feel guilty over it.

And you think about ending it, you really do. You sit with a knife against your wrist, or with the painkillers a doctor prescribed in your hand, or a bottle of alcohol sat beside you and debate just finishing it, because you think that would be best for everyone.

Then you can't be a disappointment, then you can't hurt your family and friends, then you can't wonder what the hell you did wrong that they're not talking to you anymore.

And then you pause. You think.

If you end it, your Mum will have to bury a daughter, too soon after burying her mother. Your Dad will lose you before he loses his parents, his brother. Your sister will lose a confidant, a sister before losing her parents. Countless Aunts and Uncles will wonder what caused the grief that drove you to it, and will be lost trying to comfort those who knew you best. Your friends will mourn, will try to figure out what they missed, what they could've done better – and one will wish you'd spoken to them, come to them, like they said you could, and yet you failed to do. Your partner will wish he could've been there, to tell you he loved you, and that he could've stopped you from thinking the way you did.

So you stop. You don't do it. But it takes you too long to tell them what's wrong. And even after you have, it takes you too long to talk further, when you're sober you can't, you can barely cry about anything sober, never mind anything else, and your Mam says that to you – that she's frustrated that you haven't spoken to her since you revealed your problems - and worries that she's pushing you too far when you know you deserve the anger she's showing.  

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AbandonedAmbition Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, how's your round3 entry for CPOCT coming along?
Ashana-Correlli Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
Considering the fact that I keep doubling my shifts at work, its coming along surprisingly well.  Should be in on time, if not before.  Just struggling with linking stuff together - always a bit of a failing of mine!!

How're you doing??
AbandonedAmbition Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow. Can't wait to see it.

Going pretty well. Just need to wrap some stuff up is all.
fancylances Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Good luck on round two of Delirium! 
Ashana-Correlli Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013
And to you!!  This prompt promises to be fun!!! =D  And I will complete!  It might be last minute (for me, because I always end up running to GMT rather than PST, but still!), but I won't leave you hanging to a forfeit!!  (Even if that's less nerve-wracking, I know it's as annoying as hell!!)
3face Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Student Digital Artist



any questions, go right ahead.

PonderingArt Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Digital Artist
LadyNorthstar Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you for watching me~ :heart:
RevanREK Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the :+devwatch: :hug:
jessijordan Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2011  Professional General Artist
Thanks for the fav! :hug:
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